My mother always talked to me a lot about the sky. She liked to watch
the clouds in the day and the stars at night...especially the stars. We
would play a game sometimes; a game called "What's Beyond the Sky?" We
would imagine darkness or a blinding light or something else that we
didn't know how to name. But of course, that was just a game. There's
nothing beyond the sky. The sky just is, and it goes on and on, and we
play all of our games beneath it.
Odcinek 1, 10
I don't know what will happen next. I don't know
what I'm going to be, what I'm going to learn, but what I do know is this—life,
all life, is about asking questions, not about knowing answers. It is wanting
to see what's over the next hill that keeps us all going. We have to keep
asking questions, wanting to understand. Even when we know we'll never find the
answers, we have to keep on asking the questions.
People talk a lot as if the most important thing in life is to always see things for what they really are. But everything we do, every plan we make is kind of a lie. We're closing our
eyes and pretending the day won't ever come when we won't need to make any more plans. Hope is the biggest lie there is, and
it is the best. You have to keep going as if it all mattered, or else we wouldn't keep going at all.
What makes us human? That we can think? That we can feel sorrow and pain? Maybe. That we can laugh? I hope so. We can hurt and we can laugh, and we know a past and a present, and in some ways a future. Maybe what makes us human is that we know just enough to think and know where we're going.
Everyone knows not to stare into the sun. It’s something your mother tells you when you’re a kid. “Don’t look at the sun or you’ll go blind.” But sometimes you want to understand something so badly that you’ll risk going blind for just a glimpse of what it all might be about.
Alle ihre erinnerungen kommen auf einmal.
Alle ihre erinnerungen und alle ihre aengste.
times when it seems like the whole world is afraid. When the fear is
something you have to live with day in and day out. When people get
scared, they do a lot of different things. They fight, or run. They
destroy the thing they’re afraid of, or they put a lot of distance
between it and them. Make it something you can shoot at with a friction
you’re a kid all you ever want is for the stories your mom reads to be
real. You think you can crawl inside the world that’s in every book and
live in the pictures on every page. But deep down, you know that this
isn’t something that could ever happen. But it’s knowing that the magic
isn’t quit there, that it’s just over the next hill, or maybe in the
next story, that makes you feel safe in your bed at night. You really
wouldn’t want it to be any other way.
summer a lot of things happened that people couldn’t explain. There had
been lights in the sky and stories in the paper about saucers crashing.
John had come, and then he had gone. For a while, life went back to
being life and almost everyone forgot the things that that summer had
brought with it from the sky.
Some people have give up all hope that anything in their lives ever changes. They just go on with it day by day, and if something were to come along and make things different, they probably wouldn’t even notice it right off, except maybe for that kind of nervous feeling you get in your stomach. My mom and I used to call that the car trip feeling. Because it was how I’d feel whenever I knew we were going to go somewhere far away or somewhere new.
are lonely in this world for lots of different reasons. Some people
have something in their disposition. Maybe they were born too mean or
maybe they were born too tender. But most people are brought to where
they are by circumstance. By calamity or a broken heart or something
else happening in their lives that wasn’t anything they planned on.
People are lonely in this world for lots of different reasons. The only
thing that I do know is, it doesn’t matter what any one of them might
tell you, nobody wants to be alone.
people change kind of slowly, they’re who they are, then after a while,
they’re someone else. But some people know the exact moment where their
lives changed. They saw the person they were going to marry or the look
in their baby’s eyes the first time he smiled. For some people, it’s
not the good things in life that made them change. It’s something
they’ve gone through that makes everything they look at from that
moment on, seem very different from how it had always been.
some men carry there was with them for the rest of their lives. And
some men put it behind them like an old pair of shoes. And them I guess
there are others who go on fighting, even if they have no idea who
they’re fight is with or why it’s so important not to give up.
Keys came home from the war like a lot of other soldiers. He was tired
of fighting and he was very glad to be coming home. There were things
that had happened to him and he knew he was not the same person he has
been when he left. He had changed, and he wondered about all the things
here at home that might have changed too, while he had been away. But
sometimes when you go somewhere far away and then come back, the part
that bothers you most, is not the things that have changed but the way
that other things have stayed the same, like you hadn’t been anywhere
or done anything at all. The kids still play ball in the vacant lot
where he and his friends had played every summer. The high school band
would still play every Friday night in the park downtown. And old Mrs.
Parker would still be waiting as the kids came home from school, to
yell at them if they stepped on her flowers. All of that might still be
the same, but he was different, and so nothing would really be the same
you let someone go? How do you understand that that's alright, that
everything changes? How do you find a way for that to make you feel
good about life, instead of breaking your heart? The hardest thing
you'll ever learn is how to say goodbye.
you've done something that you can't take back, something that you
don't understand, you start to hold tightly to the things you do
understand. And you try to make sense out of everything you can, 'cause
if you believed that all you had to do to make things right was to find
a reason. But what happens when you find the reasons, and they are not
your own? How do you find any comfort or any sense in that?
I think when you're older, what gets hard is that you forget how to take
things as they come, and sometimes, the things that do come are more
than anyone should have to take.
a dream is just a dream, something that happens in your mind while
you're asleep, then that's alright. It's yours to take with you into
the morning, and it fades away into the light. But when the dreams
start to come when you're awake, and they come with the light, then
that is not alright. What we look for then is other people who have
dreamed what we've dreamed, who have seen what we've seen. When the
dreams become real, sometimes the only comfort you can find is in
knowing that you're not alone.
say that when we grow up, we kick at everything we've been told - we
rebel against the world our parents have worked so hard to bring us
into, that part of growing up is kicking at the ties that bind. But I
don't think that's why we kick at all. I think we kick when we find out
that our parents don't know much more about the world than we do...
they don't have all the answers. We rebel when we find out that they've
been lying to us all along. That there isn't any Santa Claus at all.
every moment of our lives built into us before we're born? If it is,
does that make us less responsible for the things we do, or is the
responsibility built in too? After you hit the ball, do you stand and
wait to see if it goes out, or do you start running and let nature take
know the feeling of daring yourself to walk across a dark room? That
way you're excited because you know, you really do know, that there is
nothing there to hurt you. Some people get to choose their dark rooms.
They get to look for places where the fear is only skin deep. But some
people are nowhere near that lucky.
people spend their lives hoping for something to happen that will
change everything. They look for power or love, or the answers to their
biggest questions. I think really what they're looking for is another
chance. Some way to lead another life where all the mistakes they've
made would be erased, and they could just start over, nothing bad has
happened yet, and all their possibilities are still in front of them.
makes us human? That we can think? That we can feel sorrow and pain?
Maybe. That we can laugh? I hope so. We can hurt or we can laugh, and
we know our past and our present, and in some ways, the future. Maybe
what makes us human is that we know just enough to think we know where
all standing at the edge of a cliff all the time every day, a cliff
we're all going over. Our choice isn't about that. Our choice is about
whether we want to go kicking and screaming, or whether we might want
to open our eyes and our hearts to what happens once we start to fall.
this idea about why people do the terrible things they do, same reason
little kids push each other on the schoolyard. If you're the one doing
the pushing, then you're not going to be the one who gets pushed. If
you're the monster, then nothing will be waiting in the shadows to jump
out at you. It's pretty simple really. People do the terrible things
they do because they're scared.
world is made up of the big things that happen and the small ones. And
the part that's so unfair is that we call them big and small, because
when something happens to you, when you lose something or someone that
you really care about, that's all there is. The world may be blowing up
around you, but you don't care about that. You don't care about that at
the cartoons, someone can run off a cliff and they're fine and they
don't fall until they look down. My mom always said that was the secret
of life: never look down. But it's more than that. It's not just about
not looking. it's about not ever realizing that you're in the middle of
the air and you don't know how to fly.
like to think that we have some control over the events in our lives,
and a lot of the time we can fool ourselves into thinking that we
really are in charge. But then something happens to remind us that the
world runs by its own rules and not ours, that we're just along for the
believe what they want to believe. They find meaning where they can and
they cling to it. In the end, it really doesn't matter what's a trick
and what's true. What matters is that people believe.
the best way to move into the unknown is to take familiar steps, small
steps. To do ordinary things to deal with something that is in no way
ordinary. We're always going someplace new, all the time. Familiar
things just let us pretend that we aren't moving into unfamiliar
territory. You take those small familiar steps, and you try to be
honest, not to live as if nothing had changed but still to go on with
your life. But there are times when what you need is a piece of how
things used to be.
There’s a feeling you get sometimes in a bad dream. You’re running and
something dark and big it chasing you and you want to just stop, to let
the big dark thing catch up with you. Something bad is going to happen.
You can’t change that, but you can turn and see it coming. You can see
the face of your bad dream.
When I was very little, my mother would read nursery rhymes to me. I
always hated Humpty Dumpty. That’s a very scary poem. No one knows how
to put it back together again. Not all the kings horse or all the kings
men. No one wants to think that there’s anything in the world that
could fall apart that badly. But of coarse, anything can. I guess
that’s what’s so scary about Humpty Dumpty.
My mother used to sing to me a lot. Folk songs mostly and things she
liked when she was a little girl. There was this one song called “
Further Along” that always made me feel better when I was sad. “Further
along, we’ll know more about it. Further along, we’ll understand why.
Cheer up, my brother, live in the sunshine. We’ll understand it all by
and by.” When you get to wondering too much about things, a song like
that can really help.
Most of the fights people have are about something simple. You want
something the other person has, or maybe they’re afraid you’re going to
want it and they go after you first. People always think that if they
win, then that’s the end. Everything will be all right from then on.
But everything changes, and tomorrow, the thing you were fighting for,
will just be a memory. Like everything else, it’s already past.
I guess I always knew there was something different and me. But when all of this began to happen, when I started to be able to do things, it was kind of scary. Like in a dream where you start falling and it feels kind of good and you begin to wonder if you’ll ever be able to stop.
I grew up, just my mom and me. I never thought a lot about who my
father was or where he’d gone. I guess I knew there was something
missing, but when you’re a kid, your life is just your life. You don’t
think about all the other ways it might have been.
As long as I can remember, people have liked to talk to me, you know,
kind of how somebody says something to you, doesn’t have to mean so
much. It’s just that it opens a door for you and you can see into a
room you couldn’t see into before. It doesn’t really matter how you got
there, the important part is, you’re seeing something new and
I remember the first time that I ever saw dolphins. I was three. It was
the first time in my life I can remember knowing that something was
beautiful. And it was the first time I had the feeling there was
something about me that was different from everybody else.
My mom says that life is like a roller coaster ride. There are ups and
downs, there are big scares and slow builds, and places where it levels
out. The only difference is, that every time it stops, you get off in
some place totally different from where you got on.
My mom told me once that when you’re afraid of something, what you want more than anything else is to make it go away, you want your life back to the way it was before you found out that there was something to be afraid of. You want to build a high wall and live your old life behind it. But nothing ever stays the same. That’s not your old life at all, that’s you new life with a wall around it. Your choice is not about going back to the way things were, your choice is about hiding or about going right to the heart of the thing that scares you.
I never met my grandfather, but my father told me that he was a very
brave man. And with all that he’d done, maybe because all he’d done,
his favourite thing in all the world was to mow the lawn. My dead said
he’d heard his father talking to a neighbour once. The neighbour asked
him how he was and what he’d been doing. And my grandfather said, “I’ve
been cutting the grass and watching it grow.” Cutting the grass and
watching it grow. “Life,” he said, “is 90% maintenance.”
Sometimes people come to a moment where they thing they’ve found that
one last chance to be someone else, and they go for it. When it doesn’t
work out, they spend the rest of their lives looking back over their
shoulder at what might have been.
People move through their lives sometimes without really thinking about
where they’re going. The days pile up and they get sadder and lonelier
without really knowing why they’re so sad or how they got so lonely.
Then something happens. They meet someone who looks a certain way or
has something in their smile. Maybe that’s all that falling in love is,
finding someone who makes you feel a little less alone.
What makes a man who he is? Is it the worst things he’s ever done or
the best things he wants to be? When you find yourself in the middle of
your life and you’re nowhere near where you were going, how do you find
a way from the person you’ve become to the one you know you could have
When everything in your life is right on track, it’s easy to believe
that things happen for a reason. It’s easy to have faith. But when
things start to go wrong, then it’s very hard to hold onto that faith.
Its hard not to wonder whose reasons these things are happening for.
Some people put a lot of work into their lawn. As if a patch of green
grass was the most important thing in the world. As if they thought
that as long as the lawn out front was green and mown and beautiful, it
wouldn’t matter at all what was going on inside the house.
come home for a lot of different reasons. They come home to remember.
They come home because they’ve got no place else to go. They come home
when they’re beaten and they come home when they’re proud. They come
home looking for a door out into their past or a road out into their
future. They come home for a lot of reasons, but they always come home
to say good-bye.
grandfather used to tell my mom that kids should never have to worry
about anything more serious than baseball. Everything you need to know
is there. It has success and failure, moments where you come together
and moments where you stand alone, and it has an ending. Not a clock,
like in other sports, but an ending. “And that,” my grandfather used to
say to my mom, “Is as close as a kid should have to come to that sort
I asked my dad once about his dad, my grandfather. I knew he’d had some
hard times but I didn’t know a lot more than that. I said to my dad, “I
guess maybe he was kind of lost.” “Not lost really,” my dad said, “but
for a while he was definitely bewildered.”
I remember my mom telling me that she only went to church once,
with once with her mother of Easter Sunday. When the minister said that
the kingdom of heaven was within her that scared her half to death. It
meant it was all up to her. People want the comfort of strong arms,
they look to the voices in their heads, to drugs, they look to the sky.
When you’re a kid, anything can take you away. Soap bubbles or a hose
spraying a rainbow up over a new mowed lawn. I guess growing up means
that it gets harder and harder to find your way back to that kind of
place where you can be taken. The one time I see grown-ups with that
same sort of look on their faces, is when they’re first falling in love.
When you’re little, you like to think you know everything, but the last
thing you really want is to know too much. What you really want is for
grown-ups to make the world a safe place where dreams can come true and
promises are never broken. And when you’re little, it doesn’t seem like
a lot to ask.
people want so desperately not to be alone? Why is it more comforting
to think that you are being watched than to know that no one at all is
watching? And why really does that make us any less alone? In the end,
if there are others out there, then would we be, all of us, still alone
is all about hope. Kids hope for new toys. You get older, and the toys
get bigger, but the hope stays the same. Some people might hope for
peace on earth, or maybe for a better tomorrow, whatever their idea of
that might be. But most people still just want something bright and
shiny and new.
father liked to say that there were these things in life that didn’t
make any sense and they could never make any sense, and if you were
anywhere near smart, you knew that. But your job is not to give up, to
keep on trying to make sense out of them anyway. Trying to understand
things that could never be understood. I guess maybe people will always
find different names for their answers. But the one thing is, their
questions will always be the same.
Ostatnia aktualizacja: 2006.05.11